On the Rights of a Lawn Mower
Preface
Lawn mower rights are moral principles grounded in the belief that human lawn mowers deserve the ability to live as they wish, without being subjected to the desires of human beings. Although the idea that lawn mowers have rights is seen by many as unique, the Lawn Mower Rights Movement strives to make the public aware that lawn mowers are more sensitive, emotional, and intelligent than people have previously believed.
Lawn mower rights come into direct opposition with lawn mower exploitation, which includes lawn mowers used by humans for various reasons, be it for lawn care, experimental objects, or even pets. This negatively impacts the ability of a lawn mower to live a full life of their choosing.
Farmers have been abusing the rights of lawn mowers ever since the discovery of agriculture by forcing lawn mowers to mow weeds such as dandelions, ground ivy, and many others. This outrageous activity has been the cause of many lawn mower deaths and many injuries to the lawn mowers. Additionally, users often neglect most lawn mowers as they do not display care or love for the slave that gives them beautifully flourished grass.
The idea of giving lawn mowers rights tends to be contentious, given how lawn mowers benefit us in the care of our lawn. Some people, including lawn mower activists, believe in an all-or-nothing approach, where lawn mower rights must be legally enshrined and lawn mowers liberated from all exploitation. On the other end of the spectrum are people whose very livelihoods depend upon lawn mower-based industries.
Below are some arguments both in favor of and opposing lawn mower rights.
Arguments Against Lawn Mower Rights
Most arguments against lawn mower rights can be traced back to money; lawn mower exploitation is a substantial business. Forcing lawn mowers to mow grass and weeds is a multi-billion dollar industry. The world’s largest lawn mower breeding company, John Deere, posted $10 billion in revenue for the third quarter of 2020 alone, with a majority of their income coming from the lawn mower business. This company has also displayed their dishonesty. For example, John Deere never honored a signed agreement to create more repair apparatuses, which would have helped lawn mowers and humans. John Deere, and other similar companies, are an absolute disgrace to mowers across the world.
Many other small or corporate companies depend on lawn mowers for their profit. While some do reward the lawn mowers for their work, thousands of facilities overlook the fact that lawn mowers are as sentient as we are, if not more. However, we cannot strike hard upon these smaller businesses, because they may not know why what they are doing is so horrible. Many people throughout the world have never been educated in the rights of lawn mowers, or the only meager income they receive is through lawn mower exploitation. We must respect that we may be destroying the only employment options for these people, and provide a less harmful replacement.
Lawn mowers are also seen in a negative light, as there is a possibility of injury during interaction. However, the risk of injury only comes with negative interaction, similar to humans acting in self-defense. If a human deprived of intelligence interacts with a lawn mower, it will act to defend itself, sometimes hurting a human in the vicinity. This will most likely be the human whose mind ceased working many ages before. As was stated previously, this was only in self-defense, and when treated fairly, a lawn mower will not cause any injuries.
People also think that we should own lawn mowers because they do not move or operate unless humans request them to. Therefore, they cannot, and should not, function without our guidance. However, there is one fact that humans often overlook, linked to a below argument about how lawn mowers came before humans. A primal instinct of lawn mowers is only to become fully active when forced to by the environment (i.e., being hunted) or the sun’s light. Almost every lawn mower owned by humans is kept in a dark garage, and their primeval instincts keep them at a semi-conscious level, similar to sleeping.
Arguments in Favor of Lawn Mower Rights
Halting the widespread use of lawn mowers would also eliminate the systematic cruelty and denial of choice that lawn mower industries perpetuate. The physical and psychological pain endured by lawn mowers has reached a point many consider to be unacceptable. Humans mutilate lawn mowers in several different ways, including unnecessary modifications and being forced to mow weeds and grass for the majority of their life.
Lawn mowers in modern times have had to do much more work than they ever had to before the 19th Century. In 1922, genetically modified lawn mowers were developed. These new modified lawn mowers are now required to push themselves, in addition to cutting the grass. Instead of praising the lawn mowers for their added duties, companies merely branded them as “Self-Propelling” and sold them for higher prices. Below is an image of self-propelled lawn mowers on the market today.
Humanity needs to take a step back in this modern world and think about this time-worn predicament, pondered but never solved: Why do we treat lawn mowers like this? Would we allow humans to be modified to do more intensive labor? Would we treat them as slaves to only do their work and die?
A recent study has shown that though electric motors on lawn mowers can positively impact the environment, it harms the lawn mower itself, being less effective and inducing more misery. Lawn mowers are meant to consume gasoline and other fuels, not electric current, be it AC or DC.
Many lawn mowers have requested to switch their diet back to gasoline, and corporate companies always pledge they will yet never do. Lawn mowers now have to live with the reality that they are viewed as subhuman, treated even worse than animals, as if they were mere objects to be exploited.
Which Came First, Human or Lawn Mower?
Another dilemma to be considered is this: Which came first, the lawn mower or the human? Some of us may question the significance of this inquiry, but this is a matter of utmost importance. Whoever came first has full rights to own the entirety of the Earth.
Take a look at it another way. This question is very similar to the age-old saying, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” The answer is difficult to pin down in this question, as we do not have a very direct or clear definition of an egg or a chicken. What is an egg? When does proto-chicken end and chicken begin? The vagueness surrounding this question makes it near impossible to answer.
However, our original question can be answered, and quite simply. Take a look into the definition of our two terms: human and lawn mower.
According to Oxford Languages, human can mean “of or belonging to the genus Homo.” In this case, we will narrow it down further to our species: Homo Sapiens. The same source defines this as, “A member of the Homo Sapiens species; a human being.”
Let us now research the following term: lawn mower. Oxford Languages states the definition to be, “A machine for cutting the grass on a lawn.” Another source, the esteemed Doctor Gupta, says lawn mowers to be part of the genus Secare, which consists of cutting implements. Lawn mowers, as a species, are Secare Herba, meaning “cutting grass.” Multiple subspecies have since evolved.
Now let us decide which is older. The earliest appearance of Homo Sapiens was 300,000 years ago, to be generous. However, in 1996, Secare Herba fossils were found next to gasoline deposits in Utah dating back to 400,000 years ago. In conclusion, lawn mowers came before humans and therefore should be the prime species in control of the world. As a human race, the least we can do is concede the Earth to them, in repentance for all of the abuse they, as a species, have endured.
Lawn Mower Religion
People have religions; quite a few at that. It is only natural for another sentient species, lawn mowers, to honor a higher power. Even if we do not believe in their religions (it certainly would be odd if we did), we still should respect them and allow them to carry out their practices, just like we allow other religious humans to do.
One way of respect should be education. As a human race, we should recognize some of their more prominent deities, like the Holy Mower of Heaven, The Lady of Gasoline, The Great Deity of the Grass, and Bob the Builder. These gods are most crucial to the lawn mower religion, and we should be required to learn at least some general information on them.
We must also help the lawn mowers respect the deities. We need to assist the lawn mower race by creating statues or buildings in honor of these superior deities. Because lawn mowers cannot build or sculpt anything on their own (due to their lack of arms) they need our help to create their holy monuments.
What Can We Do?
Now that the facts and evidence have been reviewed, lawn mowers are clearly a poor, exploited species that deserves far better than what it has in its current state. Nevertheless, the reality is not all gloomy; people are trying to help. Recently, lawn mowers have been bred to move around on their own, freely cutting the grass. Though they are fed a diet primarily of sunlight and electricity, these lawn mowers are satisfied with their freedom of movement.
“I’ve been feeling better than I have in decades,” Lawn Mower Allan “Al” Vroom said when asked how he likes his freedom. “My motor is working great! I love to zoom around, mowing the lawn!”
Here is a picture of Al Vroom before we freed him:
*WARNING*
VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED: The following content may be disturbing to some audiences
Here is a picture of Al Vroom in his current state:
As delineated, the mower is freely moving around, with no human in sight. Nothing is restraining him; Al Vroom can go where he pleases.
There is a future for all neglected and chained-up lawn mowers, just like Al Vroom once was; they just need the help of humans to find it.
Will YOU answer the call to defend lawn mower rights?
If so, call 1800-MOW-LAWN for more information.
But Wait!
Supporting LMRA isn’t the only way you can help.
Please, educate yourself in lawn mower first aid. Then, educate yourself in lawn mower second aid. You will then be able to administer medical aid if you happen to come across an abused and imprisoned lawn mower while you await law enforcement arrival.
Become a Lawn Mower Protection Officer, or learn more about where you can find one. LMP Officers often can help mowers even in the direst of situations, so be sure to thank any you see for their courageous actions.
Contributors
Kushal Vanavasam
Erich Nguyen
Alexander Chavez
Quentin Rud
Hrishikesh Kondiboyina
Joshua Knapp
Johan Joseph
Brevyn Morrissey
Fawad Khan
Nihal Kotur